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Is one of these sentences more correct than the other? Are they both poorly written?

Version 1: We learn of a traumatic event that happened on February 13th, the bombing of a shelter in Baghdad, where her parents died.

Version 2: We learn of a traumatic event, the bombing of a shelter on February 13th, where her parents died.

Both sound strange to me, and I'm not sure if it's grammatically correct to place the phrase that begins with "the bombing..." after the "February 13th..." since the phrase is technically describing the event, not the date! Also, what is this kind of phrase called in grammar? Is it an adjectival phrase?

Thanks for any of your advice!

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  • There are several points to be made in this sentence, so the real question -- assuming you want to use only one sentence to make all the points instead of breaking it up -- is what order you want them made. Which is the most important thing? Feb 13? parents died? shelter bombing? trauma? They can go in pretty much any order, but the last one in the sentence will be the one that will stick in memory, so you want to lead up to it. Apr 7, 2020 at 22:49
  • That seems like good advice. Thanks!
    – YoshiCat
    Apr 8, 2020 at 18:34

1 Answer 1

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Yep, it feels strange. What about,

We learn about a traumatic event that happened in a Bomb Shelter in Baghdad where her parents died on the 13th of February.

or

We learn about a traumatic event that happened in a Bomb Shelter in Baghdad on the 13th of February where her parents died.

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