comma or parentheses?

Question

I have another thorny little sentence: "The level is determined on the basis of the placement (community outpatient or STRP) and on the program’s assessment of the patient’s performance and risk."

Someone higher on the totem pole than I suggested replacing the parentheses with commas, which I normally would agree with -- but in this case I'm afraid it will read like elements in a series, and be generally awkward.

I thought of doing something like: "The level is determined on the basis of the placement, whether community outpatient or STRP, and on the program’s assessment of the patient’s performance and risk."

But I hate to add another word and also I don't know that it even cures the problem I have.

Any thoughts on this?

(please don't advise me about passive voice use. I eventually hope to completely rewrite the whole document, but for now I'm just trying to clarify and pare down wordiness)

Thanks!

Answer 1

In my mind, the two ways of writing that give the clause different meaning.

The level is determined on the basis of the placement and on the program’s assessment of the patient’s performance and risk.

That's the core statement. I understand parenthetical phrases to indicate optional information. That is, someone familiar with what you're outlining might read the parenthetical phrase and say, "Oh! I should have known that," or, "Ok, that's which kind of placement she's talking about."

On the other hand, rewriting the sentence using commas gives a different emphasis to the clause. I would read it to mean that those are the two bases upon which placement can be made and level is determined. It also clarifies that both bases of placement factor into the determination of level, removing doubt that might exist regarding determination of level based on one or the other.

If your editor doesn't like the parentheses yet the parenthetical phrase is simply a definition of "basis of placement", try this on for size.

The level is determined on the basis of the placement, i.e., community outpatient or STRP, and on the program’s assessment of the patient’s performance and risk.

Answer 2

Given the parameters, how you have reworked it reads well.