Why/how do the commas work in this sentence?

Question

Why or how do the commas work in this sentence?

If the second I text you back, you call me because you know I'm holding my phone, I will call the police.

They’re not parenthetical.

Answer 1

I can imagine this appearing as a direct speech in, for example, a novel.

"If the second I text you back, you call me because you know I'm holding my phone, I will call the police."

The meaning appears to be, "If you call me (because you know I'm holding the phone), (because I've just this second texted you back), I will call the police."

You really need a comma after "If," to start the parenthesis, "the second I text you back." In my interpretation of your sentence I've moved the parenthesis and it still makes sense, which means that it is a parenthesis, and is valid, in that it makes sense. It is a part of the sentence that can be moved or removed without altering the sense of the text, and which simply elaborates why the other person might call.

The second comma separates two parts of the if/then condition: "IF ... you call me back [comma separator] THEN I will call the police." To identify the parenthesis within the if/then condition, you could put a comma after "you call me," but it's not essential and actually interrupts the smooth flow of the sentence and the idea. On the other hand, too many comma-separated parentheses make for a rather convoluted sentence in text, and putting brackets () around the parenthesis (which is the reason they're called parentheses) makes the sentence clearer.

So here's my version of your sentence:

"If, the second I text you back, you call me (because you know I'm holding my phone), I will call the police."

Answer 2

In my opinion, these commas don't really serve a critical grammatical purpose. They mainly exist to make the sentence easier to read by delimiting phrases that represent independent concepts; without them, it's harder to parse the sentence. They also correspond to places where a speaker is likely to pause slightly, again to indicate where each concept ends.

Answer 3

In my eye, the problem is a missing comma between the "If" and "the second I text you back" because the latter is parenthetical. We know it's parenthetical because we could delete it and still have a complete sentence.

If the second I text you back, you call me back because you know I'm holding my phone, I will call the police.

Omitting the parenthetical phrase shifts the emphasis of the sentence, arguably altering the meaning, but the remainder stands as a complete sentence.

Whitney Cummings is a comedy writer with a keen sense of timing. She likely writes and punctuates to communicate how dialogue would be spoken aloud. Imagine an actor who literally pauses at each comma, and consider how the inclusion or omission of the comma at the beginning of the parenthetical phrase changes the rhythm of the sentence:

If [pause] the second I text you back [pause] you call me back because you know I'm holding my phone [pause] I will call the police.

If the second I text you back [pause] you call me back because you know I'm holding my phone [pause] I will call the police.

Without the first pause, the parenthetical receives more emphasis than a parenthetical normally would, almost as if it's not actually parenthetical but an essential part of the hypothesis. Those two readings sound as though they are from two different characters. The first calmly makes a measured threat. The second is annoyed by others wasting her time.

Answer 4

The second comma is ordinary (though not obligatory) punctuation for conditional sentences: “If A, [then] B.”

The first comma is parenthetical. It sets off “the second I text you back” from the clause that it qualifies, “you call me”.

We may want to also delimit it on the other side: “If, the second I text you back, you call me…”. But it’s neither wrong nor uncommon to omit such a comma.

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another…

— United States Declaration of Independence

But if by telling you this, I mean that Hercules purified the stagnation of many streams from deadly miasmata, my story, however simple, is a true myth…

— John Ruskin, The Queen of the Air

It’s as if by writing words, I get beyond words, grappling with something primal, akin to magic.

— Robin Greene, Something Naked and Necessary

It’s also permissible to omit both commas around the parenthetical text.

If by accident you have taken it into your head that I am to be insulted with impunity I can only assume that you are an ass.

— Edgar Allan Poe, letter to William Burton