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I don't know if this sentence is too long, or if it's okay to keep stringing phrases with commas. Any help would be great as my English is not so good.

When I was using the toy truck as a reward for kids who finished all their chores, Mink would work harder than any other kid, just so that he could get a chance to play with the toy truck.

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    I'd remove the second comma. The sentence is long, but fine. Do you mean chores? You could use the simple past to shorten it up: was using/would work => used, worked. Sep 15, 2014 at 7:02
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    Yes I sure did. Thanks for pointing that out. I also saw the other edits you made to my question and learned a good bit from those too. Thanks for that as well! Sep 15, 2014 at 7:06
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    My pleasure. :) Sep 15, 2014 at 7:08
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    The repeat of 'the toy truck' sounds clumsy. I'd rewrite: 'I brought in a toy truck as a reward for kids who finished all their chores. Mink would work harder than all the other kids so that he would get to play with it.' Sep 15, 2014 at 8:27

2 Answers 2

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When I was using the toy truck as a reward for kids who finished all their chores, Mink would work harder than any other kid, just so that he could get a chance to play with the toy truck.

I think I would phrase you sentence something like this:

"I found that, when I offered children the chance to play with the toy truck, as a reward for completing all of their chores, Mink would work harder than any other child."

This assumes that you are trying to explain what you found when you conducted the experiment.

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It is ok but too long for readers.

Use this

While I was using the toy truck as a reward for who finished all their choirs, Mink would worked harder than any other kid for playing with the toy truck. –

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  • Could you suggest an improvement? Sep 15, 2014 at 6:50
  • This (um) was a comment. Still, please visit the help center for guidance on answers, and how to use this site. Sep 15, 2014 at 6:51
  • While I was using the toy truck as a reward for who finished all their choirs, Mink would worked harder than any other kid for playing with the toy truck.
    – Larry Lo
    Sep 15, 2014 at 6:53
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    Also, would work, not would worked, and other mistakes. I'm sorry, this is worse than the OP's sentence. Sep 15, 2014 at 6:55

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