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bernz
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The second sentence is fine, but I question the capitalization of "Systems". You are talking about systems ( the plural noun ), not a proper name, right?

The first sentence contains some nonsense. Most writing is easy to fix by removing stuff until you are left with the core, then adding things back in a way that makes sense.

Let's try one of these simplifications...

"Ability to monitor devices the company's workstations."

Now you can see the nonsense -- you are specifying an object twice. Adding "among others" doesn't help, as you can see:

"Ability to monitor devices among others the company's workstations."

You could, however, try this...

"Ability to monitor, among other devices, the company's workstations."

...which can help us sort the original first sentence, like so:

"Ability to monitor and configure, among other devices, the company's Cisco systems, workstations, and servers, using open-source and Microsoft software."

Note that I use the Oxford comma ( and can argue for its unequivocal value ), and I also placed a comma before the dependent clause at the end, because it's a natural place to pause when speaking.

Lastly, although it's a fine point, re-ordering can eliminate some ambiguity that comes from deciding whether or not to distribute the specifier "Cisco" to the list of nouns following it. SecondlyIn addition, to get rid of the unpleasant sound of the repetition "soft soft", we reverse the order of the last two nouns. The final result is:

"Ability to monitor and configure, among other devices, the company's workstations, servers, and Cisco systems, using Microsoft and open-source software."

This makes it clear that the workstations and servers are not necessarily Cisco systems, and also provides a more melodious finish to the sentence.

The second sentence is fine, but I question the capitalization of "Systems". You are talking about systems ( the plural noun ), not a proper name, right?

The first sentence contains some nonsense. Most writing is easy to fix by removing stuff until you are left with the core, then adding things back in a way that makes sense.

Let's try one of these simplifications...

"Ability to monitor devices the company's workstations."

Now you can see the nonsense -- you are specifying an object twice. Adding "among others" doesn't help, as you can see:

"Ability to monitor devices among others the company's workstations."

You could, however, try this...

"Ability to monitor, among other devices, the company's workstations."

...which can help us sort the original first sentence, like so:

"Ability to monitor and configure, among other devices, the company's Cisco systems, workstations, and servers, using open-source and Microsoft software."

Note that I use the Oxford comma ( and can argue for its unequivocal value ), and I also placed a comma before the dependent clause at the end, because it's a natural place to pause when speaking.

Lastly, although it's a fine point, re-ordering can eliminate some ambiguity that comes from deciding whether or not to distribute the specifier "Cisco" to the list of nouns following it. Secondly, to get rid of the unpleasant sound of the repetition "soft soft", we reverse the order of the last two nouns. The final result is:

"Ability to monitor and configure, among other devices, the company's workstations, servers, and Cisco systems, using Microsoft and open-source software."

This makes it clear that the workstations and servers are not necessarily Cisco systems, and also provides a more melodious finish to the sentence.

The second sentence is fine, but I question the capitalization of "Systems". You are talking about systems ( the plural noun ), not a proper name, right?

The first sentence contains some nonsense. Most writing is easy to fix by removing stuff until you are left with the core, then adding things back in a way that makes sense.

Let's try one of these simplifications...

"Ability to monitor devices the company's workstations."

Now you can see the nonsense -- you are specifying an object twice. Adding "among others" doesn't help, as you can see:

"Ability to monitor devices among others the company's workstations."

You could, however, try this...

"Ability to monitor, among other devices, the company's workstations."

...which can help us sort the original first sentence, like so:

"Ability to monitor and configure, among other devices, the company's Cisco systems, workstations, and servers, using open-source and Microsoft software."

Note that I use the Oxford comma ( and can argue for its unequivocal value ), and I also placed a comma before the dependent clause at the end, because it's a natural place to pause when speaking.

Lastly, although it's a fine point, re-ordering can eliminate some ambiguity that comes from deciding whether or not to distribute the specifier "Cisco" to the list of nouns following it. In addition, to get rid of the unpleasant sound of the repetition "soft soft", we reverse the order of the last two nouns. The final result is:

"Ability to monitor and configure, among other devices, the company's workstations, servers, and Cisco systems, using Microsoft and open-source software."

This makes it clear that the workstations and servers are not necessarily Cisco systems, and also provides a more melodious finish to the sentence.

Source Link
bernz
  • 525
  • 2
  • 5

The second sentence is fine, but I question the capitalization of "Systems". You are talking about systems ( the plural noun ), not a proper name, right?

The first sentence contains some nonsense. Most writing is easy to fix by removing stuff until you are left with the core, then adding things back in a way that makes sense.

Let's try one of these simplifications...

"Ability to monitor devices the company's workstations."

Now you can see the nonsense -- you are specifying an object twice. Adding "among others" doesn't help, as you can see:

"Ability to monitor devices among others the company's workstations."

You could, however, try this...

"Ability to monitor, among other devices, the company's workstations."

...which can help us sort the original first sentence, like so:

"Ability to monitor and configure, among other devices, the company's Cisco systems, workstations, and servers, using open-source and Microsoft software."

Note that I use the Oxford comma ( and can argue for its unequivocal value ), and I also placed a comma before the dependent clause at the end, because it's a natural place to pause when speaking.

Lastly, although it's a fine point, re-ordering can eliminate some ambiguity that comes from deciding whether or not to distribute the specifier "Cisco" to the list of nouns following it. Secondly, to get rid of the unpleasant sound of the repetition "soft soft", we reverse the order of the last two nouns. The final result is:

"Ability to monitor and configure, among other devices, the company's workstations, servers, and Cisco systems, using Microsoft and open-source software."

This makes it clear that the workstations and servers are not necessarily Cisco systems, and also provides a more melodious finish to the sentence.