You are correct. "...who put salary first" is a necessary part of the description of "those" and so must be written without commas. The first version is incorrect.
Both sentences contain additional errors. There must be a comparative word such as "more" if the word "than" is to be used - and "in first place" is the correct way to use that phrase.
The most literal translation of your example which has valid syntax and semantics and is reasonably idiomatic would be something like:
People who love their jobs can more easily excel in their fields of
work than those who put salary first.
The key to any stylistic choice is to remain consistent. As such, as when representing a date range, you should pick a stylistic device and stick to it in all instances—unless there is a very specific reason to deviate in a particular instance.
When it comes to date ranges, most style guides recommend using an en dash rather than hyphen. Also typically, ...
I think it's more of a stenography/typewriting question. If you are writing it then you put it in the natural place. If you are typesetting it with a computer, you can kern it. See below the period is kerned by -0.8 em.