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What do you call it when someone is being back-handed in a way that looks and sounds nice outrightly but is intended to be mean? Passive-aggressive is too obvious.

The equivalent to

Bless her heart.

The rudeness would be hard to tell to anyone who wasn't there to see or wasn't aware of the person's dislike for someone. Typically the person believes it goes unnoticed by the "victim."

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    Presumably you mean the equivalent to "Bless her heart" when said with malicious intent? You could call it 'sarcastic' or 'ironic'.
    – Kate Bunting
    Commented Jul 23, 2023 at 14:04
  • I'm with Kate and anyway, can you provide two or three complete sentences showing what you really mean? If 'Bless her heart' is a good example, I suggest you're on a hiding to nowhere.
    – Robbie Goodwin
    Commented Jul 23, 2023 at 16:15

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The following standard expression is representative enough of this behaviour.

(Cambridge Dictionary) a wolf in sheep's clothing a person with a pleasant and friendly appearance that hides the fact that they are evil

(oyster English) Idiom: a wolf in sheep's clothing Someone or something that pretends to be good or friendly but is actually trying to cause damage, harm or take advantage of you.

Notes:

You're probably familiar with this idiom from ancient fables. Aesop's fable tells about a wolf that dresses in the skin of a sheep in order to get near a flock of sheep (some of which he planned to kill and eat).

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