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I'm a trans woman... but I met a guy who is a lot like how I was. This person is who I tried to be while identifying as a male. He simply is that way and perfectly happy the way he is. When I was trying to be someone like that I was absolutely miserable. I'm really happy they found joy in a place I could not and just a mild amount of envious. That could never have been me. I was something very close to what they are but never found any joy in it. It's like a double reverse epicaricacy. I feel very strongly that this needs to be a word. Having been there and been unhappy while occupying that space I am experiencing a sense of euphoria in seeing someone else enjoy their time in the same place. Simultaneously I feel bit of jealousy towards their happiness but not to a point of negative feelings. There has to be some way on conveying that with some brevity. 'cause it's a really complex set of emotions and I suspect not too uncommon now in the age of Instagram and TikTok.

Edit: The community bot has asked me to clarify. I think that's the issue. It's a really cloudy set of emotions and that sort of unique mix that defies definition. Let me try one more time. I need a word that demonstrates how you feel joy for someone who got to where you were and is happy to be there when you were very unhappy in the same position. I was miserable as a man and only found joy when I no longer qualified as one. Meanwhile I'm happy for someone else who is a figurative carbon copy of who I tried to be specifically because they are happy to be there. They merrily exist in a place where I only found misery and I am happy for them but a tad bit envious I never got to experience that when I was there. I really can't paint any clearer of a picture. I literally do not have the vocabulary to do it. Which is why I'm asking.

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  • Please clarify your specific problem or provide additional details to highlight exactly what you need. As it's currently written, it's hard to tell exactly what you're asking.
    – Community Bot
    Jan 12, 2022 at 8:15
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    Complex feelings of guilt and euphoria about oneself and towards another who embodies the traits you once wished you possessed, cannot be possibly expressed in a single word. It would demean and trivialise that very unique and personal experience. Use as many words you need to convey your ambivalence and mixed emotions of envy and joy. Take up reading poetry, listen to music, look at works of art, watch a classical dancer express in movement the feelings that they cannot express in words.
    – Mari-Lou A
    Jan 12, 2022 at 8:29
  • Please take a look at the help for phrase-requests, and make your question as succinct as possible: "What's a word or phrase for...?" Occasionally the concept being described is not able to be reduced easily, as Mari-Lou says.
    – Andrew Leach
    Jan 12, 2022 at 8:31
  • The question "Single word for happy and envious at the same time" is very similar and @Mari-LouA has a very good answer there that it might help.
    – ermanen
    Jan 13, 2022 at 20:10

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