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I am working on a college essay and I have one sentence that may have a grammar issue.

I was successful in my goals for the program, but even more so was the program successful in its goals for me.

I could obviously change it to something like:

I was successful in my goals for the program, but the program was even more successful in its goals for me.

However, the first sentence sounds more symmetrical to me and I like the sound of it much better. Is it grammatically correct? If not, is there a way to maintain the feeling of symmetry while fixing the grammar.

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  • I'm curious why you think the first version is "more symmetrical." The second seems just as symmetrical to me, and I believe it flows better. I can think of several different ways of wording things—but anything suggested would depend on what you do and don't like. So, you'll have to explain things a bit more.
    – Jason Bassford
    Jan 1, 2019 at 2:48
  • @JasonBassford I think the first one feels like it is saying the programs success in its goals for me was more significant, whereas the second one feels like it is saying the level of success was higher. My focus is not the level of success when comparing the two, but the significance of the success. Because you are making suggestions, should I assume that the first sentence is not grammatically correct? Thanks!
    – Riley Fitzpatrick
    Jan 1, 2019 at 3:12
  • No, I actually think the first sentence is technically grammatical. However, I think its meaning isn't entirely clear. What do you think of I was successful in my goals for the program, but more important was the program's success in its goals for me?
    – Jason Bassford
    Jan 1, 2019 at 3:16
  • Ooh. That might be the one. It definitely clears up the meaning while maintaining what I liked about the first one. Thanks!
    – Riley Fitzpatrick
    Jan 1, 2019 at 3:21
  • I'm not sure if that's a final suggestion—I was just trying to figure out what you were trying to get at. Are you tied to a comma rather than a semicolon or two separate sentences?
    – Jason Bassford
    Jan 1, 2019 at 3:27

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First this is that both of sentences are grammatically correct. The different is in there style. When you say that one sounds more symmetric that the other I kind of don't understand this as you crisscrossed the structure(do not ask me whether that is a chiasm or antimetabole because i forgot the difference) in the exact same way in both.

  • constant beginning clause

    I, success, goals, program

is the order you started with

  • the second clause you are confused about

    program, success, goals, I(in its object form)

you switch the structure in the exact same way. all you did was add more words to the first one. I wound go with the second one as it removes unnecessary wording.

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