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I'm having difficulty choosing between the two sentences below. Which is more grammatically correct? Can anyone suggest a more succinct way of articulating what I am trying to say?

  1. While donning his personal protective equipment a loose strap flew up and hit him in the head.

  2. While donning his personal protective equipment a strap connected to his respirator flew up and hit him in the head.

Thanks!

Alex

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  • To be pedantic, it should be 'While he was donning his equipment...', otherwise the literal meaning is that the strap was donning it. Jan 1 '19 at 10:37
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It's donning, not dawning. They're both grammatical, but the second one is too long and needs to be split up (style).

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    Thanks. Any suggestions? Do you suggest instead using two sentences to try and articulate my point?
    – Alex K
    Dec 31 '18 at 10:56
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    If you're writing an accident report, it's reasonable. If you're writing a story, it's much too dull.
    – Hellion
    Dec 31 '18 at 21:16
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    @AlexK Sure, e.g.: He began to put on his ... equipment. Before he could finish, his respirator strap flew up ...
    – Johnny
    Dec 31 '18 at 22:02
  • Thank you. Johnny, in this case, would it not be more correct to refer to "the respirator" as opposed to "his respirator"?
    – Alex K
    Jan 2 '19 at 6:06
  • Hellion, what makes you say that it would be too dull to include as part of a story?
    – Alex K
    Jan 2 '19 at 6:10

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