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I'd like to include these two sentences below in my resume. However, I'm not sure if they're punctually correct. Would it be better to rephrase these?

• Partnered with leading retailers such as Nordstrom, IKEA, The Home Depot, CVS, Best Buy, and more to develop engaging copy and search engine optimized e-commerce material with strategic keyword positioning, improving traffic and sales.

• Achieved a 30% increase in sales by introducing a redesign of the magazine’s copy guidelines, graphic design, monthly newsletters, and cover illustration, which also resulted in increased advertising, subscriptions, and circulation figures.

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    Highly doubtful it will be a punctuation nazi reading your resume; anyway, what has your research told you about the use of the comma in such sentences? – 9fyj'j55-8ujfr5yhjky-'tt6yhkjj May 23 '18 at 16:05
  • 1. Partnered with leading retailers such as... 2. Developed engaging copy and search engine optimized e-commerce material with strategic keyword positioning... (I like breaking up the overly long and therefore hard to follow sentences into ones that begin with powerful verbs.) -- 1. Achieved a 30% increase in sales. 2. Introduced a redesign... 3. Increased advertising, subscriptions, and circulation figures. (Each one begins with a powerful verb.) – Bread May 24 '18 at 0:50
  • The problem is the wordy things that don't lead with the point. "Increased sales x% through engaging copy and SEO for Nordstrom, IKEA, The Home Depot, CVS, Best Buy, and others." "30% increase in sales plus increased ad/subs/circulation figures through redesign of copy guidelines, graphic design, newsletters and cover illustration". Shorter is more powerful. – jimm101 May 25 '18 at 14:05

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