Parents need to relentlessly supervise their children as they are more susceptible to creating more problems and endangering themselves.(A sentence extracted from an essay) or Parents need to relentlessly supervise their children as they are more susceptible to create more problems and endangering themselves.
closed as off-topic by NVZ, Cascabel, Nigel J, user067531, oerkelens Jan 4 '18 at 14:23
This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:
- "Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – NVZ, Cascabel, Nigel J, user067531, oerkelens
Both examples seem to overuse 'more', particularly given that they're opening sentences where no precedent has been set for susceptibility to- or a quantity of problems. In addition 'Relentlessly' seems to carry some subjective weight.
Perhaps 'thoroughly' would be a suitable alternative for 'relentlessly' and would carry fewer negative connotations?
I'd suggest 'Children are susceptible to create problems and endangering themselves and so should be thoroughly supervised by parents'.