Unable to parse this sentence myself, I reached out to slang lexicographer Jonathan Green of Green's Dictionary of Slang and he gave me permission to include his response as an answer. All formatting included in the answer is my own.
It's not especially cockney, though the terms are British rather than US or elsewhere, e.g. Australian.
It's a strange mish-mash and not the most obvious thing to 'translate'. It is, surely, a joke.
Breaking it down she's announcing herself as a sexually excited ('wet as an otter's pocket') and available ('game') woman ('ginger', though this could also mean 'prostitute'), presumably as a result of the software's qualities. 'Buy my nickers' (usually 'knickers') also suggests a working girl. 'Abuse me hardcore' suggests sado-masochism (as also 'you will ave to be used' may do). 'Istyley kettle bell' is probably indicating her name, with 'Istyley' as a version of British black stylee, 'manner'. Thus 'I call myself kettle bell'. (This could be rhyming slang, but none that I know).
We can conclude that the author of these words was likely British or pretending to be, and was using a large range of slang terms to express a joke about the software's excellence by feigning sexual excitement. But the sentence is not particularly cockney in nature.
