11

This is related to the recent entry in the web comic xkcd: http://xkcd.com/945/

I never say, "I'm sorry," because people interpret that as if I feel at fault, when I don't. I've been simply saying, "that sucks," or, "that is very unfortunate".

If someone dies you can say, "my condolences," and it's perfect; however, that obviously can't be used in a situation not involving death, like in the comic.

Preferably I'd like something like, "I'm [x]," or, "I give you my [x]."

I suppose sympathetic/sympathies would work, but is there any other word or phrase, perhaps something less aggressive so as to be unlikely to be considered sarcastic?

I personally find myself feeling awkward every time this comes up.

EDIT: Keep in mind, I very much dislike adding unnecessary bias to my reply. So saying things like, "that's terrible," is not something I'm a fan of doing. What if it was an icy day and the bus came 20 minutes late? I wouldn't say that's terrible, because I'm implying the bus did a terrible job, when it probably did a great job keeping it's passengers safe.

Improve this question
8
  • 1
    Bill Clinton used "I feel your pain" to great effect.
    – Robusto
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 13:57
  • 1
    In the world of sport at least, they tend to say "commiserations".
    – Urbycoz
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 14:03
  • 1
    @Robusto "I feel your pain" is a dangerous phrase to say to some people. If you have personally went through the same thing they have, then you have some reason to believe you can understand there pain, however if you have not, some people may feel offended that you think you not only understand the pain, but you apparently "feel" the pain, when they believe it is something most people would not be able to bare.
    – Sophie McCarrell
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 15:03
  • 1
    I've managed to build a nice reputation of never offending people, unless they deserve it. The specific words I use are important for keeping that reputation =P.
    – Sophie McCarrell
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 15:04
  • 1
    @Robusto Isn't that exactly what con+dolences are? :~}
    – tchrist ♦
    Commented Jan 9, 2019 at 5:17

11 Answers 11

Reset to default
15

What is your problem with condolence? It does not only apply to grief of death, but of any severe suffering. Its origins are similar to sympathy and compassion, all meaning essentially to suffer together (or as the commenter said "I feel your pain.")

However, all three of these words seem to work: I offer my sympathies, or condolences. I'd also say that to say "I'm sorry" only means "I apologize" in some circumstances. "I'm sorry for the terrible thing happening to you" does not in any way imply that you feel responsible, or are accepting any blame.

Improve this answer
5
  • google.ca/… I suppose it doesn't necessarily need to be death, it just seems implied in most cases.
    – Sophie McCarrell
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 14:18
  • I agree. 'Condolences' doesn't have to refer to sorrow about death; merely sorrow about any grief someone is suffering.
    – Jez
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 15:36
  • There's no implication of death, and certainly not if the context makes the reason for the condolences clear.
    – Jon Hanna
    Commented Aug 10, 2012 at 11:48
  • I've found that even people who know that "I'm sorry" doesn't mean "I apologize" still frequently respond to that phrase by saying "it's not your fault," which just gets old after a while.
    – Kyle Strand
    Commented Jul 13, 2013 at 6:15
  • I only marked it as correct because you are right about condolences and I hate that this is STILL open. I'm pretty sure the english language doesn't have a better phrase than "my condolences" that works in every context. I will likely just say something like "I feel for you".
    – Sophie McCarrell
    Commented Mar 20, 2014 at 2:33
7

In this context I think it's a contraction of "I'm sorry to hear that" which works better in most circumstances.

In fact I believe that the problem is often the difficulty of coming up with an appropriate response because of the shock factor of the information just received.

"That's dreadful", or "That's terrible" or "How awful" work for me as generic responses that are compassionate without sounding sarcastic.

In the xkcd examnple you gave a more usual response would surely have been "is she alright".

Improve this answer
1
  • The contraction explanation makes a lot of sense. Still, it could be taken as you being sorry that you had to hear such bad news... almost as if you are apologizing to yourself. Further although you are using the negative words dreadful, etc. in a general sense, I'm afraid they could be interpreted as being directed towards what caused the misfortune, which is often not my intention when I give my first reply to a person bearing the misfortune.
    – Sophie McCarrell
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 14:23
6

This wouldn't work for the burned down house example, but often sharing pain can be expressed by 'I can commiserate with you'.

Improve this answer
6

My personal preference would be "commiserations".

Improve this answer
4

You already mention sympathy, which would work. I think compassion is a worthy alternative:

compassion |kəmˈpæʃən| (noun)
sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others

The New Oxford American Dictionary offers the following advice for mercy and related words. See the part about compassion:

enter image description here

Improve this answer
3
  • None of these really works in Jason's given context, though. If someone is going through a difficult situation, would you tell that person, "I'm compassionate" or "I'm benevolent"?
    – Nicholas
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 14:11
  • 1
    As I understood it, the context is to replace “condolences” in “my condolences”. “My sympathies” works.
    – F'x
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 14:14
  • Ya I agree. I found this answer informative, but not specific enough to answer the question.
    – Sophie McCarrell
    Commented Aug 31, 2011 at 14:14
4

I've recently started to hear "I feel you" in such cases. I think it is used in some american states.

Even though it has a little "hippie" feel to it, I quite like this phrasing because it is neither pompous nor pretentious (like "i feel your pain" can seem) and it skips the apologies' confusion.

It just says what needs to be said which is a sharing of feeling without any more precision.

The problem is this phrasing is familiar and cannot be used in all situations.

Improve this answer
3
  • It would be better to say "I feel for you." I have never heard it without the 'for'.
    – user126158
    Commented Apr 26, 2016 at 23:16
  • I know, I had not heard it myself before a few years ago.
    – Alice Rocheman
    Commented Apr 29, 2016 at 15:15
  • It is worth noting and drawing comparison to the Spanish idiom "lo siento," which is often figuratively translated in English as "I'm sorry" but literally translates to "I feel it."
    – aoeu
    Commented Mar 20, 2018 at 15:05
3

If you do not wish to use "condolences", there are several alternatives:

You are in my prayers.
You are in our hearts
Our thoughts and prayers are with you
You have my deepest sympathy

These are several you can use that doesn't imply death.

Improve this answer
2

My heart goes out to you is also an option.

Improve this answer
2

Maybe you want a polite response that will be safe in social situations, in that case I'd go with whatever other people say a lot. More of an etiquette question.

If you feel more comfortable with "sorry", then you can always flesh it out with what you're sorry for.... I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry you're having to go through that right now.

Or you can show concern by asking them more about their experience with it. How are you holding up? How is that for you? This way you avoid the perceived arrogance of knowing what they're going through.

OR.... you could try to express exactly what you are feeling, at your own risk.

Improve this answer
0

I would use the word "regrets." While it can refer to death, it can also be used as an "apology" for a lot of lesser things, which dilutes the "death" part.

Improve this answer
-3

There are things to consider when writing a letter for condolences. One must not say to the bereaved family, "God wanted it this way." When you are writing to a friend or associate, just keep it short and simple. Simply express your concern, sorrow, and support.

Improve this answer
2
  • 2
    The question is specifically not about funereal condolences.
    – Bradd Szonye
    Commented May 21, 2013 at 6:46
  • Reading the question before answering would be a better start...
    – Alice Rocheman
    Commented Mar 16, 2014 at 11:24

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.