My dad died, and I loved him very much but he restricted parts of my life that are no longer restricted. Is there a word for the uncomfortable and sometimes disturbing feeling of enjoying that?
Condolences on your loss.
The phenomenon you're experiencing is called cognitive dissonance.
It is the mental stress and discomfort caused by having two or more contradictory feelings at once.
If you're really feeling discomfort from the antithetical feedback you're getting from wanting to be a good daughter and a free and independent person, it's really cognitive dissonance as @EricLippert said. Still, the more common expression for the more common experience of simply feeling conflicting emotions is
It's such a common expression and experience that you may feel it doesn't do your situation justice, but it's still there. In any case, keep on keeping on as best you can, since regardless of the details your father doubtless wanted you to have a comfortable and happy life and to remember him as fondly as he deserved.
Possibly not what you're looking for, but there's the word ambivalence.
- The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings (such as love and hate) towards a person, object or idea.
- A state of uncertainty or indecisiveness.
In this case you might describe yourself as being ambivalent about your father's death, because you miss the good parts but are glad that your a free of the negatives. The conflict of loss and gladness results in ambivalence.
(Note that this is explicitly not the lack of emotion, which is indifference).
Every cloud has a silver lining. Meaning I believe, exactly what you are experiencing. goenglish has this to say about it.
Every cloud has a silver lining means that you should never feel hopeless because difficult times always lead to better days.
Example: "What am I going to do? My girlfriend has left me again!" Reply: "Don't worry. It will be all right. Every cloud has a silver lining."
Difficult times are like dark clouds that pass overhead and block the sun. When we look more closely at the edges of every cloud we can see the sun shining there like a silver lining.
Example: "I found a new job after all, and I like this one even better than the last." Reply: "You see? Every cloud has a silver lining."
Every cloud has a silver lining means that the sun shining at the edges of every cloud reminds us that every difficult situation has a bright side.
Example: "This really is a tough situation. Do you think things will work out for the best?" Reply: "I'm sure they will. Every cloud has a silver lining."
I hope that this helps you understand the feelings that you are currently experiencing.
Although it may be a very Catholic faith specific term, that very feeling is called guilty conscience.
It's a sort of anxiety that comes when you did something wrong. And you know know it was wrong, yet it felt oh, so good.
Abounding on this choice of words:
Perhaps that pleasure is not a consequence of a deliberate action on her part, yet somehow she feels anxious (uncomfortable and sometimes troubling feeling is a good description of anxiety if I ever heard one) about being relieved of those restrictions. So, something is wrong.
Taking care of her father is an act of piety to which she is no longer bound, along with the restrictions that may have been silently resented but lovingly overlooked.
Peasure at the release from the obligations and restrictions that came with piety are percived by her -perhaps in a subconscious manner- as wrongdoing.
Hence, the conscience of guilt, a guilty conscience
"survivor guilt" This refers particularly to good things that come from someone's death, OR to an irrational guilty feeling that you should have been the one to die instead.
Not sure what the term is for feeling bad about recognizing the benefits of other bad things, like appreciating sleeping in after you lose your job.
Schadenfreude per M-W: "enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others."
Not exactly right, but a comparable or kindred concept.