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I am writing song lyrics for a heavy metal song i am making, but i have some trouble to figure out whether its correct or wrong, cause the last sentence does not seem to make any sense at all. I am dutch so english is not my native language.

The song lyrics are about the plague:

Everywhere i go i see them laying on the floor.(piles of dead bodies) Still alive, but not to save the souls of them anymore. (the victims are still alive, but are already unable to survive) Somehow it tells me that that last sentence makes no sense at all. Or does it make sense? I dont know...

closed as off-topic by FumbleFingers, Hellion, user140086, DJClayworth, ermanen Dec 16 '15 at 20:07

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

  • "Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – FumbleFingers, Hellion, Community, DJClayworth, ermanen
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    Welcome to EL&U. Lyricists, like other artists, are granted considerable poetic license, so "correct" English is not necessarily expected— the artist can write however he or she pleases. – choster Dec 16 '15 at 18:24
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    In particular, you might be drummed out (Yes, I know what I did there) of the heavy metal band union if you used the correct verb instead of "laying." – deadrat Dec 16 '15 at 18:51
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I suggest you reword the part of your lyric which you think does not make sense. Here is one suggestion, which is in keeping with your rhyming scheme:

            Everywhere i go i see them 

             Laying on the floor. 

             They are still alive, 

             But soon they'll be no more. 

The word laying should be lying, but in a song lyric, such an error would not necessarily be considered an error!

  • @rhetorician- I would give you two up-votes for your answer if I could. Brilliant! – Mark Hubbard Dec 16 '15 at 19:56
  • @MarkHubbard: Thanks for the vote of confidence! Don – rhetorician Dec 16 '15 at 22:37

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