Opening doors, offering to pay the tab, helping with a coat or a light of the smoke: we may describe these acts of a man to be gentlemanly.
In a word, how may we describe these acts of any person?
Opening doors, offering to pay the tab, helping with a coat or a light of the smoke: we may describe these acts of a man to be gentlemanly.
In a word, how may we describe these acts of any person?
I'd go with courteous, the etymology of which also hints at a closer fit to gentlemanly than, say, decorous, polite, or respectful.
I think well-mannered is close to the idea of politeness and good upbringing that gentlemanly suggests:
polite; courteous. (AHD)
of good upbringing
The Free Dictionary
Gracious describes a kind, considerate woman and can also be applied to a man.
gracious
pleasantly kind, benevolent, or courteous.Webster's College Dictionary, © 2010
I like deferential, because the acts you are describing (holding the door, offering to pay the tab, etc.) are polite ways to put someone else's needs or wants a little higher than your own.
One dictionary defines the word as "respectful and considerate" – two words which seem to encompass dual aspects of being gentlemanly.
As a footnote, the first word that sprung to mind was chivalrous, but I figured that wasn't much more neutral than gentlemanly, so I struck it from my list rather quickly.
As others have mentioned in prior comments, this is one of the closest words to gentlemanly, in part because the words are cognate:
GEN'TLEMAN, n. [gentle, that is, genteel, and man. So in fr. gentilhomme, It. gentiluoumo, Sp. gentilhombre. See Genteel.]
Genteel is already an adjective describing a certain sort of behavior, so using the -ly suffix to try and make it into such an adjective likening it with something with that characteristic behavior like a Gentleman would be redundant, and besides that, the -ly suffix operates differently on nouns than it does on adjectives. It renders nouns into adjectives, and adjectives into adverbs, so while you might describe a person or behavior as gentlemanly, you would only use genteelly to modify the manner in which an action is done as in "he genteelly held the door open."
In order to determine that this word may be applied to females, do take special note the third definition and its example:
- "Graceful in mein or form; elegant; as the lady has a genteel person."
Ladies are of course inherently female and opposite the gender of the Gentleman. Unless I am mistaken, I believe Person in this context, is being used to mean "Positive Character of Office", rather than possessing another person who is genteel.
It is still used today, albeit very rarely. The obscurity of the word is probably part of why "Gentlemanly" has grown so much more popular, with another factor being gender segregated expectations. Although the word itself is not gendered, the expectations of proper masculine or feminine manners often are. The difference is cultural, rather than lingual, so it would apply to virtually any substitute. Nevertheless, anybody exhibiting the appropriate behavior may be considered genteel.
It should be noted that today "Genteel" can have aristocratic connotations as well. Sometimes this can have pejorative effect since even by the time of Noah Webster, there was disdain for the Gentlefolks and I believe that sentiment has only grown as egalitarianism became an increasingly venerated principle. As such the word might nearly as often be used to negative effect, to gibe at what we'd now call (stubborn) "Elitism" as it is genuinely used, at the user's discretion.
Since, as I mentioned before, social expectations differing between males and females, another considerable answer is Gentlemanly, which I will presume to be a word you already know well. Since the suffix "-ly" only indicates a resemblance or likeness to the thing specified, a person only has to be similar to the thing specified. Similarity implies that some amount of dissimilarity is permitted, since otherwise it would instead be called identical. I would almost wager that few people are willing to argue that a Gentleman isn't defined just as much, if not even much more so by his behaviors than his gender, so omission of the gender detail might have tentative permissibility in some otherwise more exacting contexts.
This supposition is validated by this actual instance of such a use from page 100 of The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit by Charles Dickens (1843):
'It was considered so once,' said Mrs. Todgers, warming herself in a gentlemanly manner at the fire 'but I hardly thought you would have known it, my loves.'
Granted, this context might not have been made in reference to the exact same sense of the word you mean, since she is not doing anybody any favors by warming herself even, if she has the air of a gentleman while doing so. Nevertheless, it does go to show that the word can be used to describe to women too, as demonstrated by the excerpt's feminine honorific and pronoun.
Despite that, it may seem odd to suggest a woman is gentlemanly and if she prides her femininity, she may take offense. Nevertheless, this may be the only way to effectively overcome the usual cultural expectations that may separate the expected mannerisms of the sexes. Exercise your better discrimination and make a character judgement before doing this.
Except as otherwise noted, all of the links and definitions are used to refer to The American Dictionary of the English Language by Noah Webster (1828). Please note that the quoted portion is incorrectly reproduced in the initial link for Gentleman, and I referenced a hardcopy facsimile edition with an I.S.B.N. of 978-0-912498-03-4 for a correct quotation..
-ly references Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, (1913).
Negative Connotations for Genteel can be seen in The Century Dictionary and Cyclopedia
Elitism refers to Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 11th edition (©2003, 2007), which still shares its definitions with Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary.
That's just basic politeness:
showing good manners toward others, as in behavior, speech, etc.; courteous; civil: a polite reply.
(definition from dictionary.com)
So, you would call such a person polite.
One possibility not previously mentioned is cultured, which the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, fourth edition (2003) defines as follows:
cultured adj. Educated, polished, and refined; cultivated.
As with urbane (noted in RexYuan's answer), the crucial element here is the sense of polish and refinement.
Another, more problematic possibility is chivalrous ("Characterized by consideration and courtesy, especially toward women" according to AHDES), a term that probably crosses the line into implicit gender-specificity, owing to its origin as a description of knightly behavior—as the "especially toward women" element of the definition here suggests. Still the mental picture of a woman described as "chivalrous" (Loan of Arc comes to mind) is quite different from that of a woman described as "gentlemanly" (Marlene Dietrich in a top hat and tailcoated suit). Gallant ("Courteously attentive especially to women; chivalrous") is likewise probably too gender-conscious to serve as a neutral substitute for gentlemanly.
adj.
- showing kindly regard for the feelings or circumstances of others; thoughtful.
Random House Kernerman Webster's College Dictionary, emphasis added
It was very considerate of her to open the door for her husband, who was carrying their luggage.
The word graceful could be used of gentlemanly acts done by either a man or woman:
adjective
Having or showing grace or elegance:
ODO
Graceful is derived by the suffix -ful added to the root grace:
2 Courteous good will:
ODO
Graceful behavior can usually be boiled down to small considerate kindnesses.
NB: Gentlemanly is one of those few words that ends in -ly, but is not actually used as an adverb very often:
adjective
1.0 Chivalrous, courteous, or honorable:
his gentlemanly behavior1.1 Befitting a gentleman: a gentlemanly profession
ODO
The word genteelly does exist (Oxford Dictionaries Online), and it seems to me as close to a non-gendered gentlemanly as you are going to get.
adjective
2 Showing consideration for the needs of other people:
Oxford Dictionaries Online
Men and women should compete to outdo each other with thoughtful generosity.
Kindness; simple human kindness.
The Oxford Dicitonary of English by Angus Stevenson (see: O.D.O.) defines cordial as meaning:
cor·dial adjective
1.warm and friendly.
"the atmosphere was cordial and relaxed"
generous
If you are paying for someone else's dinner, you are being generous.
Noble is another word with similar and non-gender-specific connotations. In addition to the class-based meaning (nobility and gentry being effectively equivalent), there is a more religious form of nobility.
The Noble Eightfold Path (Pali: ariyo aṭṭhaṅgiko maggo, Sanskrit: āryāṣṭāṅgamārga) is one of the principal teachings of the Buddha, who described it as the way leading to the cessation of suffering (dukkha) and the achievement of self-awakening. - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path
Here ariyo has other meanings: Honourable, respectable, venerable, noble, excellent, eminent, holy, sanctfied (source). As you might have guessed by ear, this particular root word has more recently taken on some less auspicious meanings. However, depending on your aims, noble or nobility may have some use.
I know there are a million answers already, but nobody has mentioned courtly: "Polite and graceful in a formal way" (M-W).
It's generally considered informal (and possibly low-register) but classy is a non-gendered term that can convey a similar constellation of style, manners and sophistication to the word gentlemanly.
Opening doors, offering to pay the tab, helping with a coat or a light of the smoke: we may describe these acts of a person as etiquette.
code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group."
This is an excerpt from the Wikipedia entry on Etiquette which is licensed under CC-BY-SA 3.0 terms.