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I am proof reading my friends resume,

He has written his career Objective as below:

1) Seeking a challenging position in an organization, where my skills and my education background can add value to the growth of the organization and allow development of my skills to organization potential.

I feel the sentence should be rewritten as "....growth of the organization and also allow development of my skills to organization potential".

Second Question: His work experience section is described as below.

2) Currently working as Systems Engineer in XYZ Limited with total experience of 2 years in .NET technology inclusive of 3 months of training.

I feel the sentence should be rewritten as ".... inclusive of 3 months training.".

please help me in deciding, whether my editions are correct or not.

closed as off-topic by tchrist, Dan Bron, FumbleFingers, oerkelens, Ellie Kesselman Feb 4 '15 at 15:31

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

  • "Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – Dan Bron, FumbleFingers, oerkelens
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    Both versions of both statements are fine, IMHO. also would be redundant, it doesn't add anything that isn't obvious, but it doesn't hurt. And of can often be omitted from phrases like that. – Barmar Feb 3 '15 at 17:02
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    As an aside, resumes generally don't need objective statements; they just take up space that could be better used for describing work experience/education. Also, try to avoid complete sentences/blocks of text. Judicious use of bullets, indents, and underline/bold/italics goes a long way to make a resume pop. – Nick2253 Feb 3 '15 at 17:22
  • @Barmar: You're seriously saying you think ...allow development of my skills to organization potential is "fine"? – FumbleFingers Feb 3 '15 at 17:52
  • @FumbleFingers I think he edited the question after my comment, I don't remember the end of the sentence being like that. I think he also swapped the two versions in his second question, the version with of was what he thought it should be rewritten as. – Barmar Feb 3 '15 at 19:25
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I'd make the following changes:

I am[1] seeking a challenging position in an organization[2] where my skills and [3] educational[4] background can add value to the growth of the organization,[5] and allow development of my skills to organization potential.[6]

  1. Added a verb to the sentence
  2. Removed comma
  3. Removed redundant my
  4. Noun education changed to the adjective educational
  5. Added comma
  6. "Allow development of my skills to organization potential"... I'm not really sure what he's trying to say here?

Currently working as Systems Engineer at[1] XYZ Limited with a total of 2 years experience[2] working with[3] .NET technology including[4] 3 months of training.

  1. In changed to at, you can work in an industry sector but you can only work at a company
  2. Changed word order
  3. You can work in .NET, or you can work with .NET technology.
  4. Inclusive of doesn't really fit here. Can't really explain why, it just makes your years of experience sound like you're trying to sell me car insurance.
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    "Allow development of my skills to organization potential"... I'm not really sure what he's trying to say here?. By this he meant is the organization should also allow him to grow to a good standard (in this case the organization standard). I think that can be omitted as it does not make much sense. – User27854 Feb 3 '15 at 17:50
  • @user2900314 Oh! In which case he should say "And allow the development of my skills to reach the organization's standard". – Mark Feb 3 '15 at 17:54
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    Oh, yes that would be perfect, thanks a lot, Mark. – User27854 Feb 3 '15 at 17:55
  • @user2900314 No problem! :) – Mark Feb 3 '15 at 17:56

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