Is the genderless pronoun "they" appropriate and grammatical for a non-binary gender? [duplicate]

Question

I recently had somebody tell me that a mutual friend of ours who is genderqueer prefers that people refer to him/her using the gender-indefinite pronoun they.

In some cases, this almost seems okay:

Kris left their umbrella at our house.

On the other hand, if Kris is sitting right next to you, it feels very odd to say

They (meaning just Kris) would like more cake.

Or even odder,

Kris would like some more cake, can you please pass it to they/them?"

Are these usages grammatically correct? Are they in the process of becoming grammatically correct? Are there more correct alternatives?

Answer 1

I think the reason for your friend's preference is that using either the male or female pronouns implicitly pigeon-holes the person in question as either one or the other. However, all of the examples you give seem to me to be forced, and to shout out loud "Hey, look at how sensitive I'm being! I'm not calling Kris either male or female!"

There are sensible alternatives to all of these examples that do not break any grammatical rules.

"Kris left their umbrella at our house" : Kris left an umbrella at our house (yes, it could technically then be somebody else's umbrella that was left behind, but would you really know?)

"They [Kris] would like more cake." : Kris would like some more cake.

"Kris would like some more cake, can you please pass it to they?" : Could you please pass the cake? Kris would like some more.

While my dictionary (Chambers 1990) does have a secondary definition of "they" as "he or she", it also says that this usage is "with pl. verb", as in "there are lots of people; they are happy". "They is" would not be correct.

Answer 2

I don't know anybody who declares themself to be a non-binary person or genderqueer. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit I had to look up those terms. But if a person prefers to be not categorized as being one sex or the other, for whatever reason, we should respect their decision. And I believe this is the key issue, if your friend prefers the singular they then use that term whenever they are in your presence.

I'm sure they would be more offended or hurt if you deliberately preferred one gender pronoun, or worse still, used the supposedly politically correct "he or she" as in

He or she would like more cake

Now, how awful would that be?

Themself

^{_{[THIRD PERSON SINGULAR]}} Used instead of ‘himself’ or ‘herself’ to refer to a person of unspecified sex:
I hope no-one else ever finds themself in this position.

They
^_[SINGULAR] Used to refer to a person of unspecified sex: ask a friend if they could help

I nearly forgot.

Is the singular they grammatically correct? Well, yes. Will people object to your using it in speech, I doubt it. We use the singular they in our speech all the time. Would I use it in writing, it depends. If it were a formal letter or paper, probably not. Is the following phrase confusing, insensitive, or ungrammatical?

Kris would like some more cake, can you please pass it to them?

I don't think so, because the sentence begins with the person's first name, which makes it clear you are referring to a friend and to an individual.

^{Sources: Oxford Dictionaries}

Answer 3

There are already several good answers, but just to add a few more cents, I would summarise the situation as:

• Singular they is long-established, and indisputably grammatical, for referring either to a generic person (“If anyone disagrees, they should speak now.”) or persons of unknown gender (“Did you hear, there’s a new hire arriving tomorrow!  I wonder what they’re like?”). Contrary to some other answers, it doesn’t carry any connotations of plurality, lack of individuality, or the like.  (The Wikipedia article gives plenty of examples.)

• When referring to a specific person of known gender, it’s less clear-cut.  For many speakers, it’s ungrammatical in such contexts (not prescriptively, but in the descriptivist sense that they would never say it, and find it jarring to hear/read).  However, this is perhaps changing; some speakers seem to find it OK.  Language has an interesting post on this, with good discussion in comments; Peter Shor’s answer to this question, and its comments, also exhibit speakers from both camps.

• In any case, though, respecting someone’s choice of pronouns is surely worth making a small grammatical stretch for.  Personal experience: I used to be on the side of finding singular they with known referent ungrammatical; I also have a friend who prefers to go by they, and after just a little time using it, it came to feel perfectly normal.  (I’ve found the same thing with Spivak pronouns and similar. I was honestly slightly surprised by how quickly I got accustomed to them; I hadn’t expected it before using them regularly myself.)

Answer 4

I grew up using the singular they, and in my grammar you should not use it for anybody who has been referenced by their name.

So this is wrong:

*Kris phoned, and they said you should return their call.

But this is fine:

Somebody called Kris phoned, and they said you should return their call.

On the other hand, if Kris wants to be called "they", you should try to overcome your natural grammatical instincts and call them "they". Although I would find it somewhat difficult, I would find it easier than calling them zhe or ey.

Answer 5

As someone who is also non-binary and prefers "they" pronouns, the accepted answer is correct, but I'd like to point out that the examples replaced are also perfectly fine (with the exception of the third one, the correct usage there would be "can you please pass it to them").

May I also suggest simply asking your friend (privately) about their pronouns? I'm sure they wouldn't mind, and that would remove any confusion introduced by having a mutual friend tell you about this.

Answer 6

It's "pass it to them", since "them" is the objective case of "they". Otherwise your three examples are all grammatically correct.

Suppose you meet some one you think is a woman but turns out to be a man. It is not grammatically incorrect to say "She is very smart". It's just semantically incorrect. In Peanuts Marcie refers to Patty as "Sir". That's not grammatically incorrect, it's just odd.

If

They would like more cake.

sounds odd, it's not because of the grammar. It's just that you're not used to calling (or hearing called) someone whose gender you think you know using a gender indefinite pronoun.

As a matter of politeness, you should probably call people as they want to be called. It's no different than addressing a transgendered person using the pronoun they prefer.

Answer 7

I cannot answer to the grammatical appropriateness of they (though others here seem to indicate it is becoming more acceptable). I can also agree with Dave Mulligan's answer that using the name ("Kris") in many situations would be most appropriate.

However, there are also other levels of appropriateness. I do not know how popular this opinion might be, but I value my freedom to classify a person as I want to and use the speech I want to refer to that person, no matter how they may want to be classified. That is, they have their right to classify themselves, but I have my own right to classify him or her differently (and classify him or her into a gender).

To me, this is entirely appropriate on other, non-grammatical levels (possibly philosophical, scientific, religious, etc., given circumstances), and if for no other reason that my perception.

And since it has long been grammatically appropriate to use "he" as a general or generic reference, (the Wikipedia article notes 18th century in textbooks, but examples in various languages go back thousands of years; see below), I may appropriately choose to do so still if I am seeking to make a generic reference (such would probably not be the case in the example given).

For example, Vern S. Poythress examined non-Biblical Greek texts (some "writings of Plutarch and Philo"), concluding:

Specific evidence nevertheless supports the idea that in Greek a male “flavor” attaches to occurrences of third person masculine pronouns and other masculine forms referring to human beings in a generic statement. This evidence favors the conclusion that use of masculine singular in English provides an appropriate match in meaning.

And early in the article had noted as well that:

Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek show here [in some Biblical texts] a pattern similar to English: the occurrence of the generic masculine sets up a perception that a male example is being used to express a general principle

So grammatical precedent for the generic "he" is well founded, should one choose to continue to use it.

Whether one considers the arguments for not using it in a generic sense valid or not, and also in any specific instance for classifying, is really up to the one speaking/writing, not the one being referred to. It is the one communicating that is attempting to convey his or her thoughts about the matter, not the target referent's thoughts on the matter (unless that happens to be the goal of the one communicating).

And in the example, even being friends, one might disagree with the other's self-perception, and have to weigh whether it is appropriate or not to honor his or her perception over one's own.

Answer 8

Wouldn't "It" be more appropriate since it is non-gender and singular?

"My friend is here. It is hungry and wants cake." "It left an umbrella at my house.

Answer 9

My main gripe is the gratuitous change of number that sometimes happens when someone is trying to avoid gender-specific pronouns.

Example:
[old way] "Everybody has at least three dollars in his wallet." Formerly, when the gender of the antecedent was not specified the pronoun was forced to masculine.

[misguided attempt at gender neutrality] "Everybody has at least three dollars in their wallet." Everybody is singular in number, which is why we do not say, "Everybody are going to the movies."

[how I would do it] "Everybody has at least three dollars in its wallet." Gender is forced to neuter using an already-existing pronoun, and singular number is preserved.

The following may prove useful to the OP. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender-specific_and_gender-neutral_pronouns
http://genderneutralpronoun.wordpress.com