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Blabbermouth blabbed for 5 min explaining what had happened in Kahani. The shadows had started rebelling. They were trying to disconnect from their people. It was causing massive havoc.

These sentences sound really awkward for some reason when I read them. Is there anything I can do to make them more interesting?

closed as unclear what you're asking by Drew, WS2, choster, tchrist, Chenmunka Oct 21 '14 at 15:05

Please clarify your specific problem or add additional details to highlight exactly what you need. As it's currently written, it’s hard to tell exactly what you're asking. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    please take a moment to read the help center. – SrJoven Oct 20 '14 at 22:06
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    Please note that this site is neither a proofreading service nor a writing workshop; we may be able to help you, but you must identify specifically what you find awkward and why, and what research you have already attempted. – choster Oct 20 '14 at 22:14
  • Is this an original composition or a translation? – Ornello Oct 21 '14 at 1:14
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The paragraph is too choppy; the individual sentences do not flow as a coherent whole.

Try something like this:

Blabbermouth blabbed for five minutes explaining what had happened in Kahani: the shadows had started rebelling! They were trying to disconnect from their people, causing mass havoc.

("Massive" means "containing a large amount of matter"; "mass" refers to an undifferentiated, homogeneous group. In this case, the group is "their people".)

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It doesn't sound awkward, but rather strange, probably out of lack of context. I would change the following words however:

Blabbermouth blabbed for 5 min explaining what had gone down in Kahani. The shadows had started rebelling. They were trying to disconnect from their people. It was creating chaos.

  • 'Gone down' (= 'happened') is an Americanism, and would probably be understood in other English-speaking countries only to a limited extent. – Erik Kowal Oct 21 '14 at 1:17
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I suggest that the sentences are a little incoherent because:

  1. The (repeated) use of 'had'.

Blabbermouth blabbed for 5 min explaining what had happened in Kahani. The shadows had started rebelling. They were trying to disconnect from their people. It was causing mass havoc.

  1. The vague 'It' (what is it?).

And as Aaron Endelman suggests, it is choppy.

Perhaps try:

Blabbermouth blabbed for 5 min explaining what occurred in Kahani, and now the shadows were rebelling. They were trying to disconnect from their people, causing mass havoc.

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