I am involved with a group that works with children aged about 7, who've been through some difficult things. One of the sessions focuses on how "every one of you is special".
Recently, somebody's teenaged son pointed out that in his school the word "special" is used as an insult. I guess it refers to being special-needs.
Is this use common-place? Is there a better alternative that we could use?
From my experience in American English special is, sometimes, used negatively to indicate that someone is a person with special needs. If you're afraid that the children you work with may realize that "special" can be an insult, I would suggest some alternatives:
Special is probably the best example of the "euphemistic cycle"; a term coined as a euphemism for another term with more negative connotation eventually comes to have the same negative connotation.
"Special education" is the usual U.S. term for the department of a public school that works with children with severe learning or mental disabilities. The term uses the word "special" in its original definition of "unique" or "different", as a euphemism to replace terms used previously such as "slow class" or "MR class". Over time, the term "special" came to be used as a descriptor for the children themselves, and that, over time, led to the negative connotation; calling someone "special" is now most often taken sarcastically to mean that the person is mentally disabled in some way.
Words like "special" and "exceptional" used to be (pretty-unambiguously) positive but now can also be negative because of the tendency to use them to refer to people (usually kids) who are below average in some way. "Special needs" usually refers to some sort of handicap, which is perceived as a limitation, hence negative. I'm not judging this, just explaining it.
Because people who work with special-needs kids try to never use a word that could sound negative, but people in the rest of society will still sometimes perceive these kids' situations negatively, you will get sarcastic uses of the previously-positive words, introducing ambiguity. ("Wait, is this 'exceptional' kid gifted or learning-disabled?")
You can usually tell by context. It's pretty common (in my experience) to hear somebody describe some negative situation with "oh how special", but the tone of voice tells you what is meant. The positive meanings are also still in use, so you have to look for context.
The negative meaning of special is one of the jokes in The Simpsons associated with the character Ralph Wiggum.
It also gets a slightly different negative twist in an American Football episode where Ralph is not good enough to be allowed to play much
Ned Flanders: Ralph, you'll be on special teams.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm special!
Definitely, "special" has a negative connotation. In the school I used to go to, there were students who were mentally or physically disabled. This students were given special attention, that is they went to classes that were made easier to understand, and were given more medical attention etc. This students were called the special students. It turns out that the word special started to be used as an insult, such as the following conversation:
a: "What on earth did you do that for?"
b: "I didn't mean it! It was an accident."
a: "That's only cause you're special!"
Thus, as you can see, "special" became used in a very negative way, intending to imply that the person was mentally or physically disabled.
Originally someone from the US South, or Virginia's and Mid-West, would use the term "very special" to indicate someone who is crazy. It is still very common usage, and has nothing to do with retarded people or those with physical limitations or handicaps. It would be a rarity for an adult to refer to any child as "very special." It can be used to describe someone who is crazy, without directly offending, because it is understood to be the talkers' interpretation of the person being talked about. If offense was intended, the word used to describe them would be "crazy."
Any word can be an insult. We are good at doing that in the US. However the word itself is not derogatory, vulgar, or demeaning. The use of it negatively here is almost an hidden taunt. It is said in a way that that the words infer a good thing, but the manner in which it is said infers it is a bad thing. The power of the insult is all in how it is taken. For more on dealing with this I would consut the Parenting SE.
Special means (among other things) "better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual."
"Different from what it is usual" can be used also in pejorative way.
Dana Carvey's Church Lady character used to also use the phrase "Isn't that special" to accentuate the end of a bit.
