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I am correcting a short journal writes up from my student, who is from Korea and notice that I am so lacking of grammar knowledge in explaining to her why it is wrong in her sentence.

Below is one of her work:

"Today, some teachers who are from a University in Canada came to our school to give an introduction talk about their University."

This is the opening of her journal. For me, I think it sounds not very right. Below is my correction:

"Today, some of the lecturers, who are from a University in Canada visited our school to give an introduction talk about their University."

What do you think of my correction?

And after you have answered the above question, can you give me some tips on how to correct students' essay? Shall I change their whole sentence? Or I just change their grammar mistake?

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closed as off topic by FumbleFingers, RegDwigнt Feb 18 '12 at 2:41

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3  
The original is fine. There's no need for correction. –  Brett Reynolds Feb 18 '12 at 1:21
    
I think this is basically off-topic –  FumbleFingers Feb 18 '12 at 1:55
    
Ok noted. I shall learn more about it. Thank you –  Part Timer Feb 18 '12 at 5:07

2 Answers 2

The original (shown below with two minor corrections) has no grammar problems, as such. It has a superfluous (excess or not needed) comma, but the comma is permissible. Secondly, introduction should be introductory.

Today some teachers who are from a University in Canada came to our school to give an introductory talk about their University.

In your suggested revision, the comma after lecturers is egregiously wrong.

Comment Both proofreading requests and "how to improve my English" requests are off topic here; this may include rewriting requests as well. My suggested rewrite of the sentence is like

Today some teachers from a University in Canada came to our school and gave an introductory talk about their University.

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Thanks so much for the feedback. It helps a lot really. –  Part Timer Feb 18 '12 at 5:06

The student's original both sounds more natural and looks more correct than your correction.

Some lecturers simply means several lecturers ("some" being an adjective modifying "lecturers"), whereas some of the lecturers means several of a selected group of lecturers ("some" being used as a noun). As re-phrased, the sentence sounds as if the reader has missed some information about other lecturers who are present, perhaps that the visiting lecturers are also lecturers at the student's school. I'll leave aside the punctuation and capitalization errors.

Where I would suggest improvement is the wordiness. Since it is a journal which already has a date, "today" is not necessary, and "introduction talk" is not as natural as "introductory talk" or simply "introduction."

I might suggest something along the lines of

Some lecturers from a university in Canada came to our school to introduce it to us.

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Thank you so much Choster. –  Part Timer Feb 18 '12 at 5:07
    
Choster, that erroneous it makes your example say the Canadian lecturers "came to our school to introduce our school to us", which is not the meaning of the original. –  jwpat7 Feb 18 '12 at 5:32

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