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I would like to have an alternative phrase that is equivalent to kick your ass, but without using ass. What other words can I use instead?

Some friends suggested kick your bacon (but I am not sure if this means the same thing). I thought about using butt but this is another word I would like not to use. Can I be classy and have the same impact at the same time? Or at least not be that vulgar?

The context I am using the expression is

I am gonna kick your ass out of the bed.

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I rather doubt the act of forcing an unwilling sluggard out of bed can be done in a "classy" way, so it's likely there will be no "classy" ways to announce OP's intention either. Perhaps some paraphrasing of Shakespeare's hold their manhoods cheap with suitable "onanist-related" innuendo might fit the bill, but I'm not prepared to develop that one further here! :) –  FumbleFingers Aug 21 '11 at 17:19
Why exactly is the ass version inappropriate in your situation? Without knowing what kind of constraints you’re working with, it’s hard to know which alternatives would also be considered too vulgar. –  PLL Aug 22 '11 at 2:23
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6 Answers

up vote 6 down vote accepted

If you want to soften it as much as possible, you could say

I'm going to kick your behind.

From NOAD:

behind noun
1 informal the buttocks: sitting on her behind.

Still softer would be

derrière |ˌderēˈe(ə)r|
noun informal
euphemistic term for a person's buttocks.

If you want to go softer than that, perhaps you had better leave off altogether the notion of "kicking" anything.

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“I’ll kick your derrière...” seems excellent. I’m not sure I’d think of it as softer — with the right delivery, it could carry a hell of a punch — but it’s certainly pretty classy. –  PLL Aug 22 '11 at 2:25
do you think regular people will know what derrière is? –  Digital Robot Aug 22 '11 at 23:24
Sure, the late actor Paul Newman, co-founder of "Newman's Own" food products used the term on the label of his salad dressing. You could also say, "If you don't get out of bed, I'll apply my foot to your seat of learning!" Or, "Get out of bed or I'll hit ya' where the Lord split ya.'" –  rhetorician Apr 9 '13 at 23:54
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There are probably a million equivalent expressions covering all levels of rudeness.

Kicking your butt

is the closest equivalent I can think of without using "ass"

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million equivalent expressions? can you please mention a few? thanks. –  Digital Robot Aug 21 '11 at 17:58
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I'd say leave off the idea of butt-kicking altogether. Something like...

I'm going to pull you out of bed if you don't get out here!
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If you weren't afraid of coining a phrase, or just wanted to add alliterative appeal, you could threaten to pugilistically pummel their posterior!

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You could transform "I am gonna kick your ass out of the bed." into "I am gonna kick you out of the bed."

I don't know how classy you can possibly be when threatening to physically remove someone from a bed.

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A really nicer way of saying kick your bottom, would be 'ruffle your feathers' (But does not have the same punch either).

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