I am planning a big career change. In the emails to the people I want to ask for internship, I wrote "I strongly desire to pursue a career in AABBCC and currently looking for internship opportunities to enter the world". I used the phrase "enter the world" because the barrier of the type of job I want is pretty high. Is this correct english? And is there better way to say it?
closed as off-topic by David M, tchrist, choster, Kristina Lopez, Bradd Szonye Mar 27 at 23:22
This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:
The phrase enter the world is valid English. But, the sentence has a few issues.
First: It is a bit of a run-on sentence. Second: it is missing a subject for one of the clauses. Third: Enter the world sounds as though you wish to be born.
Let me revise the question and show you what I mean:
So, let's look at what I've done here.
First, I deleted the adverb strongly. It is not incorrect, but I feel it sounds a bit unneccessary here. If you wish to pursue a career, it is likely a strong desire. That is a matter of personal style, though.
Second, I added I because "I am currently looking for the internship" is a secondary clause in the sentence, and it needs a subject.
Third, I split the third clause into a third sentence to improve the flow. And, I added "of Astrophysics" to make the phrase enter the world less ambiguous. Otherwise you are hoping that this internship will help you to be born or break free from your imprisonment, or some other odd connotation.
Much of this reflects my personal style of writing, but I don't think anything I've said is particularly controversial.