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I am planning a big career change. In the emails to the people I want to ask for internship, I wrote "I strongly desire to pursue a career in AABBCC and currently looking for internship opportunities to enter the world". I used the phrase "enter the world" because the barrier of the type of job I want is pretty high. Is this correct english? And is there better way to say it?

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closed as off-topic by David M, tchrist, choster, Kristina Lopez, Bradd Szonye Mar 27 at 23:22

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

  • "Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – David M, tchrist, choster, Kristina Lopez, Bradd Szonye
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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Welcome to ELU. Proofreading questions are off-topic. But the second clause (following "and") doesn't have a main verb. It should be "am currently looking". –  Andrew Leach Mar 27 at 21:04
    
@Min Andrew is correct that proofreading questions are off-topic unless you identify an area of concern. For example, if you were to ask if enter the world needs clarification to make sense. I've given you an answer out of courtesy, but please read our help section for more information. Also, check out English Language Learners, as I think it might be a good forum for you. –  David M Mar 27 at 21:07
    
@DavidM Thank you, Andrew and David. Is there a website/forum called "English Language Learners"? I have studied and used english for many years, but still I can't use english live as a native. I don't need to write fancy sentence but only fluent, natural english. I have no problem to read difficult articles, but I encounter a lot of questions when I write. Small mistakes, such as the subject in the second clauses, comma before or after and, and many more can actually make my writing non-native english. I want to effort to improve that. –  Min Mar 27 at 21:21
    
... make effort to improve that. –  Min Mar 27 at 21:23
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@nxx Even when a user identifies a specific concern for proofreading, it’s problematic when the post contains many other, unrelated errors. –  Bradd Szonye Mar 27 at 23:22

1 Answer 1

The phrase enter the world is valid English. But, the sentence has a few issues.

First: It is a bit of a run-on sentence. Second: it is missing a subject for one of the clauses. Third: Enter the world sounds as though you wish to be born.

Let me revise the question and show you what I mean:

I desire to pursue a career in Astrophysics, and I am currently looking for internship opportunities. I hope that this internship will help me to enter the world of Astrophysics.

So, let's look at what I've done here.

First, I deleted the adverb strongly. It is not incorrect, but I feel it sounds a bit unneccessary here. If you wish to pursue a career, it is likely a strong desire. That is a matter of personal style, though.

Second, I added I because "I am currently looking for the internship" is a secondary clause in the sentence, and it needs a subject.

Third, I split the third clause into a third sentence to improve the flow. And, I added "of Astrophysics" to make the phrase enter the world less ambiguous. Otherwise you are hoping that this internship will help you to be born or break free from your imprisonment, or some other odd connotation.

Much of this reflects my personal style of writing, but I don't think anything I've said is particularly controversial.

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Not entirely my edit (I slightly revised a suggestion) but what about adding the main verb in the second clause as well as restating the subject? –  Andrew Leach Mar 27 at 21:15
    
@AndrewLeach I missed that, I did it automatically. The danger of being a native speaker! –  David M Mar 28 at 0:31

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