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I am writing an essay on nature and I need to somehow slip in the phrase "I shit you not" Not to seem vulgar or anything, it just seems like the most appropriate thing to add in that context. If this is off-topic or anything of that sort I can easily delete this question.

Edit: It needs to be somewhat offensive.

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closed as primarily opinion-based by Mari-Lou A, TrevorD, tchrist, MετάEd, p.s.w.g Aug 14 '13 at 4:48

Many good questions generate some degree of opinion based on expert experience, but answers to this question will tend to be almost entirely based on opinions, rather than facts, references, or specific expertise.If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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What's wrong with the original version of that phrase, namely I kid you not? –  Marthaª Aug 13 '13 at 21:10
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"Believe it or not" seems to be a usable alternative, but I question the necessity of such an appeal for persuasion. If it's an essay, you're probably better off showing reasons to believe you, like research and logic. –  Tyler James Young Aug 13 '13 at 21:14
    
You could avoid "I" and "you" by using "incredibly" as a leading interjection. –  Tyler James Young Aug 13 '13 at 21:15
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I nit you shot. –  MT_Head Aug 13 '13 at 21:17
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Or, "No kidding!" Or, "I'm not pulling your leg!" Or, "No joke!" Or, "Seriously, dude!" Or in Valspeak, "I am soooo not kidding!" –  rhetorician Aug 13 '13 at 23:20

1 Answer 1

up vote 1 down vote accepted

There is a technique to making vulgar and obscene statements gentle, respectful but yet provocative.

The intention is to create the thunder without the storm. To offend without being offensive. But you can't just build it in one phrase. You have to build up the intensity which you could otherwise do with a single offensive word.

It has come to our attention that Henry Podunk has willfully breached our mutual agreement not to release names of our clients. Normally such breach of trust should involve excremental digestive juices thrown at the offender. However, we shall offer our dear friend Henry Podunk a discount. We will just provide him with a breath of fresh air from each of our rear ends - verbally or literally, that is your choice.

That was an excellent article that she wrote. Her material is solidly provocative. She would throw at you materials that would match the stench of your unprofessionalism. In the case of the Governor's budget for the project, what she threw at him matched the incoming cesspool of our infamous local sewer plant. You could repeat to her my observation about her opinion of the Governor, and I assure you she would not throw anything but hugs and kisses at me.

This is an actual incredulous account of the events yesterday. Believe me, because I assure you with utmost sincerity that you do not qualify for a burger patty from my restroom.

We often wonder the origins of the word quote-unquote suck. Suck what? It is so very suggestive. It is suggesting that someone is sucking on something. What is that thing being sssucked on? Is it your ego, or perhaps, creativity, or even your pro-creativity? Do you have such doubts about your performance in the company? I wish to assure you that you are doing very well in the company and none of your colleagues would desire to suck your pro-creativity. Neither do they desire you to suck theirs.

We often wonder the origins of the word quote-unquote suck. Suck what? It is so very suggestive. It is suggesting that someone is sucking on something. What is that thing being sssucked on? Is it your ego, or perhaps, creativity, or even your pro-creativity? I have a strange and bizarre premonition that this esteemed colleague our ours, currently standing next to us, is about to suck on everyone's pro-creativity to compensate for his level of performance.

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